I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
