Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
