Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Randomize
