Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
