dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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