i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
