I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
