I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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