I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
