Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
