Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
