you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
