I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He felt like a one man threesome
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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