the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
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