Even the bartender felt bad for me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
