apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
