WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
