you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
