Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize