The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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