WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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