I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Did I show you my penis last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
