well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
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