Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
