I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
