i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
