i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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