i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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