i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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