when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
