between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize