its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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