1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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