Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
