My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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