areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She told me I should be a condom model.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
