dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Girls should come with a carfax report
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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