8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I enjoy the company of your penis
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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