SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
