the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
