Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
