Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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