Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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