Kareoke will never be a sober sport
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
