i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That accounts for only three of the penises
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
