walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
