bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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