The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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