smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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