note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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