onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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