I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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