dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
