Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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