I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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