So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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